Soul Spooks

From the moment I reached the age of dating, crushes, and situationships, I’ve found myself only yearning. I hold on to the smallest piece of attention that I can get, making it more than what it will ever be. Fantasizing about somebody who will never be mine. Or maybe just fantasizing about something that will never be mine. Something so unattainable to me, I wonder if I’m even worthy of it at all.

I envy all the people around me who have experienced heart break. It’s weird to be jealous of somebody’s else’s hurt, but a heart can only be broken if it was in love. I’m jealous of people who have fallen in love. I find myself only dreaming of a love I’ve never even witnessed. Even when I pretend to be focusing on myself, I yearn for a love I feel undeserving of. I mean that’s the only thing that makes sense, I probably don’t deserve it.

I’ve been obsessed with so many different people, or at least I thought I was. I was never obsessed with anybody. I’ve only ever been obsessed with the idea of being in love with them. I never actually knew these people, hell I don’t even think about them today. But I always think about being in love. The thought hasn’t left my mind since it first touched down. How could so many people around me experience romantic love in real life when I can only experience it in my sleep? I can only experience it while disassociating at work. The craving of love is all that I can think about, and it’s the one thing I don’t think I’ll ever have. The one good thing that seriously just comes around. It can never be gifted, fixed, or solved.